FRESNO, CA — Central Unified School District employees gathered Monday morning for the district’s Fall Kick-Off, officially beginning the educational season Fresno traditionally calls “fall” despite all available meteorological evidence.
The event was scheduled at Deran Koligian Stadium as teachers and staff prepared for the new academic year.
District officials said the word fall refers primarily to the school calendar rather than any observable change in the physical environment.
“Fall is absolutely here,” said one sweaty district administrator while standing beneath an August sun. “You can tell because we’ve put little leaves on the PowerPoint.”
Employees were welcomed back for another year of educating thousands of students across west Fresno while adjusting to new schedules, policies, technology systems, curriculum requirements, passwords, passwords for systems containing other passwords, and at least one online training module everyone will discover is due tomorrow.
Teachers said they were excited to return to classrooms.
Several nevertheless questioned the designation of “Fall Kick-Off” while walking through a parking lot capable of slow-roasting poultry.
Administrators reassured employees that authentic autumn conditions—including daytime temperatures below 90 degrees—are expected to arrive sometime around Thanksgiving.
At press time, Starbucks had already begun selling pumpkin-spice beverages, thereby resolving the matter conclusively.